New Job and a Fish Named Anapeg
I wrote this three weeks into my new job, and never posted it. So here you go, how I felt about a month ago. I’ll update again soon, some of my feelings have changed, and some haven’t. It’s nice to be able to look back and remember that at least it doesn’t still feel this miserable.
I started a new job (again??). Actually it's been almost two years since I've started a new job, but because I only blogged once about my last job- it probably sounds like it hasn't been very long. My new job is really difficult. I am a casemanager, which I love, in theory. The population I work with is in some ways very similar to my last job. They are Wards of the State, just a little bit older, they are 17-21. In other ways, the population is really different because the clients in this program have much more severe mental illness. So far, I don't like my new job. I feel comfortable putting that out into the internet world because I was able to be really honest about that with my supervisor, which is really wonderful. My supervisor is a really positive part of my new job. The job is really difficult, and it's hard to say much more than that. I'm exhausted every day when I get home. The sense of hopelessness I felt about the futures for the kids I used to work with is only multiplied by the complication of mental illness and how difficult that is going to make life for the kids I now work with. A lot of their illnesses are the kind that only get worse over time-- and I find myself desperately praying for God to heal them, so that they have any kind of chance at living a full life. I used to think, "if these kids just had families who loved them......." Now I think, "if these kids just had families who loved them............. then their lives would still be unbelievably challenging."
I am learning a lot, and I really value what I am going to learn through this job. I feel as is I'm constantly soaking up new skills in communication, compassion and patience, and I'm desperate to learn more. For that reason, and for the sake of how much I already care about my clients, I am really glad I switched jobs. For every other reason I am ready to race back to my old, safe, comfortable, fairly easy job.
This week was particularly challenging. It was my third week of work, but my first full week of working with clients. Just at the moment where I was beginning to feel like I had a grasp on this new job, the bottom fell out. I can't go into details, but I had a really scary, stressful experience at work... which caused me to get into my car, drive towards Starbucks, and sob. The sobbing lasted for a long time, through multiple phone calls, and I fought to have it end when I walked back into my office.
Earlier that day I went to Petsmart with a client with the intention of him buying a fish as an opportunity to learn about the responsibility of having to care for a pet. He didn't end up buying a fish that day, but I did. I bought one for my office. I bought the brightest blue betta fish I could find and bright red rocks for the bottom of the bowl. My office is one of the smaller difficult parts of my job. It is in a basement with no window, and it feels very dungeon-y. I need as much color as I can get to help my survive my office.
So the Friday of my first full week of work, after an afternoon of sobbing, I found myself tear stained and staring at a blue betta fish in a pint size container on my desk. I put my finger on the container and the fish followed the line I created on the plastic.. and that made me a little bit happy. As I stared at the fish, I remembered my first few weeks of college. A good friend bought me a blue betta fish. I couldn't come up with a name for him (and didn't realize it was a him) so I left it up to my suite mates and soon-to-be-friends. For a reasons too long to explain, they named the fish Anapeg.
I had a lot of days of sobbing when I first went to college too. I can remember running home during my first weekend, to the safety of the friends I already had. I was really bad at having to start over and make friends. I felt really out of place, and alone. This job is different, but feels kind of similar.
After thinking about my fish in college, I remembered the year before I started college. That was the year my parents moved to China and I moved in with two roommates I barely knew. I didn't have anywhere to run to- but there were a couple of first nights in our new apartment that ended in tears. It was so new and unfamiliar and I felt so scared and alone.. My roommate (who I quickly loved living with) kept buying fish that year. Whether it was one or two fish, and no matter which fish it was in the series, it was called biff, or they collectively were called Biff. She never really acknowledged when one died, she bought another and called it biff. We liked to feed biff random food to see if he’s eat it, and he always did, so I’m not surprised biff kept dying.
It's odd that so many new starts in my life included a fish. My new fish isn’t biff and he's not Anapeg and this experience isn't the same as those. But I hope it will turn out to be similar. Those situations were two "starting over" experiences in life that were so scary for me, where I felt alone and out of place. They both ended up being incredibly transformative years where I grew exponentially and that I would never go back and change. I can hope for that here.
Because of the craziness of my job and life right now, or because I’m not good at finishing projects, a month later, my fish still has no name. Ideas? He’s blue and awesome.
I started a new job (again??). Actually it's been almost two years since I've started a new job, but because I only blogged once about my last job- it probably sounds like it hasn't been very long. My new job is really difficult. I am a casemanager, which I love, in theory. The population I work with is in some ways very similar to my last job. They are Wards of the State, just a little bit older, they are 17-21. In other ways, the population is really different because the clients in this program have much more severe mental illness. So far, I don't like my new job. I feel comfortable putting that out into the internet world because I was able to be really honest about that with my supervisor, which is really wonderful. My supervisor is a really positive part of my new job. The job is really difficult, and it's hard to say much more than that. I'm exhausted every day when I get home. The sense of hopelessness I felt about the futures for the kids I used to work with is only multiplied by the complication of mental illness and how difficult that is going to make life for the kids I now work with. A lot of their illnesses are the kind that only get worse over time-- and I find myself desperately praying for God to heal them, so that they have any kind of chance at living a full life. I used to think, "if these kids just had families who loved them......." Now I think, "if these kids just had families who loved them............. then their lives would still be unbelievably challenging."
I am learning a lot, and I really value what I am going to learn through this job. I feel as is I'm constantly soaking up new skills in communication, compassion and patience, and I'm desperate to learn more. For that reason, and for the sake of how much I already care about my clients, I am really glad I switched jobs. For every other reason I am ready to race back to my old, safe, comfortable, fairly easy job.
This week was particularly challenging. It was my third week of work, but my first full week of working with clients. Just at the moment where I was beginning to feel like I had a grasp on this new job, the bottom fell out. I can't go into details, but I had a really scary, stressful experience at work... which caused me to get into my car, drive towards Starbucks, and sob. The sobbing lasted for a long time, through multiple phone calls, and I fought to have it end when I walked back into my office.
Earlier that day I went to Petsmart with a client with the intention of him buying a fish as an opportunity to learn about the responsibility of having to care for a pet. He didn't end up buying a fish that day, but I did. I bought one for my office. I bought the brightest blue betta fish I could find and bright red rocks for the bottom of the bowl. My office is one of the smaller difficult parts of my job. It is in a basement with no window, and it feels very dungeon-y. I need as much color as I can get to help my survive my office.
So the Friday of my first full week of work, after an afternoon of sobbing, I found myself tear stained and staring at a blue betta fish in a pint size container on my desk. I put my finger on the container and the fish followed the line I created on the plastic.. and that made me a little bit happy. As I stared at the fish, I remembered my first few weeks of college. A good friend bought me a blue betta fish. I couldn't come up with a name for him (and didn't realize it was a him) so I left it up to my suite mates and soon-to-be-friends. For a reasons too long to explain, they named the fish Anapeg.
I had a lot of days of sobbing when I first went to college too. I can remember running home during my first weekend, to the safety of the friends I already had. I was really bad at having to start over and make friends. I felt really out of place, and alone. This job is different, but feels kind of similar.
After thinking about my fish in college, I remembered the year before I started college. That was the year my parents moved to China and I moved in with two roommates I barely knew. I didn't have anywhere to run to- but there were a couple of first nights in our new apartment that ended in tears. It was so new and unfamiliar and I felt so scared and alone.. My roommate (who I quickly loved living with) kept buying fish that year. Whether it was one or two fish, and no matter which fish it was in the series, it was called biff, or they collectively were called Biff. She never really acknowledged when one died, she bought another and called it biff. We liked to feed biff random food to see if he’s eat it, and he always did, so I’m not surprised biff kept dying.
It's odd that so many new starts in my life included a fish. My new fish isn’t biff and he's not Anapeg and this experience isn't the same as those. But I hope it will turn out to be similar. Those situations were two "starting over" experiences in life that were so scary for me, where I felt alone and out of place. They both ended up being incredibly transformative years where I grew exponentially and that I would never go back and change. I can hope for that here.
Because of the craziness of my job and life right now, or because I’m not good at finishing projects, a month later, my fish still has no name. Ideas? He’s blue and awesome.
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