One Month Later
On Tuesday this last week, I spoke with a new friend who is in college getting her degree in social work. I talked with her about my experience as a social worker and she just kept saying, “I can’t WAIT to be done with school.” She was so excited to be done, and be able to work with kids, to be a social worker. I could remember feeling exactly that way. Towards the end of college, I was pretty convinced within about two years, I’d be in Africa working in an orphanage and on my way to starting my own. I was so excited to be done, and be doing something I cared about. I would have killed for the job I have now, to be a casemanager for kids without families.
Shortly after I wrote my last blog post, I was in housegroup and people were going around sharing life dreams. What hit me as everyone shared was how many people talked about it being difficult being in a place of having to wait to do what they felt they were meant to do. I had this really strange realization as I was listening. Now, before I share the realization, I’ll explain a little. Being in Africa (or south America because I love my husband) working with kids, in an orphanage, or some orphanage like system, is my dream job. That is what I believe I am made to do and meant to do. But I’m also aware that in the United States, orphanages don’t exist. So as long as I’m in the United States, being a casemanager, or working with kids in DCFS is my equivalent of that. It’s not exactly my dream, because geographically, I don’t want to be in the United States, but it feels pretty close to what I hope to be doing some day.
So, my realization was that I was one of the few people in the room doing exactly what I know I’m made to do. At the exact same time as sitting there feeling like, “I HATE my job,” I also didn’t feel like I’m waiting. I’m there, I’m doing it. There is still a small sense of waiting.. to eventually be in Africa. But here, in Chicago, in the United States, this is exactly what I’m made to be doing. That was the first time I felt slightly good about this new job.
Later that week I was talking with my sister about potentially going back to school to get my Master’s Degree and she was asking questions about what I want to do next, what job position I was working towards. I started to explain that I value getting my masters and the book knowledge that would be helpful but that I didn’t want to be doing anything besides casemanagement. Before I could think about the words coming out of my mouth, I told her, “this is my dream job.” I laughed out loud right after I said it, completely aware that I had just finished talking about how much I’ve hated this job so far, and also aware that I was right. I don’t know why, or understand, but this is my dream job. Those conversations and experiences were a really helpful starting point in changing how I feel about my job.
There have been a few instances since then where my husband or a good friend reminds me on a really bad day, "this is your dream job," to which I reply in my angry exhausted state, "no, this is NOT my dream job." But it is, which is really unfortunate and really great at the exact same time.
I still don’t love it, but again this week before I realized what was coming out of my mouth, I told someone that I like my job. At first I thought I had lied, that I had just said that to avoid talking about work and to change the topic, but I thought for a second and realized I hadn’t lied. I felt at that moment like I liked my job.
It’s a small start. I’ve started dreaming about work and emotionally taking work home with me, which is a really different difficult challenge. But I’ve also gotten to where I really genuinely care about the kids I’m working with. And every once in a while I find myself enjoying it. I hope to have those moments more often. I just spent about a half hour in our gym playing basketball with one of my clients who tried to explain that I was shooting with my arms instead of using my whole body. It wasn’t a billable interaction, but it was fun. You don’t get to do that in every job.
Shortly after I wrote my last blog post, I was in housegroup and people were going around sharing life dreams. What hit me as everyone shared was how many people talked about it being difficult being in a place of having to wait to do what they felt they were meant to do. I had this really strange realization as I was listening. Now, before I share the realization, I’ll explain a little. Being in Africa (or south America because I love my husband) working with kids, in an orphanage, or some orphanage like system, is my dream job. That is what I believe I am made to do and meant to do. But I’m also aware that in the United States, orphanages don’t exist. So as long as I’m in the United States, being a casemanager, or working with kids in DCFS is my equivalent of that. It’s not exactly my dream, because geographically, I don’t want to be in the United States, but it feels pretty close to what I hope to be doing some day.
So, my realization was that I was one of the few people in the room doing exactly what I know I’m made to do. At the exact same time as sitting there feeling like, “I HATE my job,” I also didn’t feel like I’m waiting. I’m there, I’m doing it. There is still a small sense of waiting.. to eventually be in Africa. But here, in Chicago, in the United States, this is exactly what I’m made to be doing. That was the first time I felt slightly good about this new job.
Later that week I was talking with my sister about potentially going back to school to get my Master’s Degree and she was asking questions about what I want to do next, what job position I was working towards. I started to explain that I value getting my masters and the book knowledge that would be helpful but that I didn’t want to be doing anything besides casemanagement. Before I could think about the words coming out of my mouth, I told her, “this is my dream job.” I laughed out loud right after I said it, completely aware that I had just finished talking about how much I’ve hated this job so far, and also aware that I was right. I don’t know why, or understand, but this is my dream job. Those conversations and experiences were a really helpful starting point in changing how I feel about my job.
There have been a few instances since then where my husband or a good friend reminds me on a really bad day, "this is your dream job," to which I reply in my angry exhausted state, "no, this is NOT my dream job." But it is, which is really unfortunate and really great at the exact same time.
I still don’t love it, but again this week before I realized what was coming out of my mouth, I told someone that I like my job. At first I thought I had lied, that I had just said that to avoid talking about work and to change the topic, but I thought for a second and realized I hadn’t lied. I felt at that moment like I liked my job.
It’s a small start. I’ve started dreaming about work and emotionally taking work home with me, which is a really different difficult challenge. But I’ve also gotten to where I really genuinely care about the kids I’m working with. And every once in a while I find myself enjoying it. I hope to have those moments more often. I just spent about a half hour in our gym playing basketball with one of my clients who tried to explain that I was shooting with my arms instead of using my whole body. It wasn’t a billable interaction, but it was fun. You don’t get to do that in every job.
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